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-- omnipotentDictator [OD] started pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] --

OD: Ay, so Eridan was it? Fishtroll? Seen you in the Memos my HomeTroll, still keeping it classy?

OD: get it because youre a classist Troll Nazi.

CA: not anymore

CA: hasnt your leader spoken wwith you yet

OD: You mean me? Have /I/ spoke to myself yet?

OD: No, I'm not a crazy Asshole.

CA: i meant the fuckin burnt orange text human

CA: your actual fuckin leader you rotten lump a wwriglerseal blubber

OD: THAT is not true.

OD: Gregory is NOT the real Leader. He just THINKS he is.

CA: right

CA: because wwith howw much your teammates respect you howw could you evver be wwrong

OD: My teammates are Idiots, not unlike yours.

CA: fair point

CA: noww wwhat do you wwant

CA: actually i dont care to knoww

CA: its not like im goin to givve you anyfin

CA: i only maintain contact wwith your species through your leader

CA: the rest of you cant hold a convversation to savve your short and meaninless livves

OD: See, I know you'd go there since you seem like SUCH a nice Troll.

OD: Like seriously, the most pleasant.

CA: go pail a decapitated mutant grub stump

OD: So I did some digging and I see that you're a fan of Romance Movies.

CA: troll romantic comedies yes and other troll romantic epics

CA: but i swwear if youre comin onto me again ill bloww up your fuckin dangin human shame globes

OD: Not at all, I've already got a Kismesis and I'm not interested in BS Red Romance.

CA: i dont believve you

OD: You don't have to! God, just accept these fucking videos as a sign of good will, or whatever.


CA: [[Y]]

CA: fine kar needs a good laugh

OD: What happened to Karkat?

CA: none a your cod damned business

CA: ivve accepted your petty offerin noww go continue to make a fool out of your species by pretendin to knoww anyfin about our quadrants

OD: Oh I'm not pretending, I pretty much have the whole thing nailed down. Especially the Hatefucking One.

OD: You guys are geniuses for thinking up that One.

CA: there was nothin to fuckin think up its fuckin

CA: you knoww wwhat im goin to slam a fuckin faygo and forget this wwhole exchange by numbin my pan wwith this hoofbeast shit

OD: Sure! If you have any questions just let me know!

OD: I'll be waiting right here.

CA: youre so fuckin wweird

CA: i knoww youre onto somefin so just quit it

OD: Nope! I'm just being totally awesome and cool like I am all the time.

OD: Seriously.

-30 mins later-

CA: i actually do havve a queoson

OD: Yes?

CA: wwwhats she keep runnin awwau from

CA: the human wwoman in the wwhite dress

OD: Oh, are you watching Runaway Bride with fucking Julia Roberts?

OD: Shit, here’s more. I forgot these.


CA: [[Y]]

CA: shes nothin like troll juliah robrts she loks like a fkckin drowwned and bloated scratchbeast in this

OD: Yeah she's not that hot, but in this Movie she's a fucking Skank and can't fucking comit to any of the Fiances she collects because she just wants more Dick in her or something. Idk, some chicks find that ~Romantic~.

CA: wwhats a fiance

OD: Oh shit, here we go.

CA: no wwhat is it

CA: 'Sea-riously'.

OD: Psh, was that supposed to be a mock or something.God, you and your lame ass sea puns.

OD: It's the person you're engaged to be married to.

CA: wwhats married

OD: Thank fucking Christ, I've been waiting for this.

OD: So trolls don't have Weddings?

CA: no wwhat in the everglubbin glub are they


OD: So when guys get totally whipped? And don't have balls anymore? They go and spend THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS on something called a Wedding Ring.

CA: i like rings

OD: Oh you have Rings? Good okay, now just imagine that they are mined from starving lowbloods or something and then highbloods charge like a BUTTFUCKTON more than theyre worth because theyre greedy bastards and its genius.

OD: and women EAT THAT SHIT UP and pressure their Fiances to buy them one.

CA: oh wwe get our quadrants assorted accessories

CA: but wwhats that havve to do wwith this wwhite dress nonsense

OD: Don't fucking interupt me and I'll fucking tell you! God!

OD: So when you give your Bitch a Ring and she gets all fucking Paris Hilton Drunk Excited about it, your pick a day for your Life to be over and on THAT day, you get married and commit to never have sex with another Person again and have a bunch of fucking screaming Hellspawn.

CA: wwhat

OD: Babies, or Grubs. You have a bunch of Grubs and become boring.

CA: wwell thankfully you wwont havve to wworry about decendants

OD: Fuck you! Who says I won't hit it off with your Troll babes?

CA: dont make me fuckin laugh

CA: so youre sayin youre afraid of commitment

CA: typical

CA: fuckin humans humpin anythin that glubbin movies

OD: Ugh, no fishbro - remember we only have one Quadrant.

OD: That fucking Red one.

OD: So that's it, one person to fuck for the rest of your Life.

CA: then wwho do you exert all your agression on


CA: wwhatevver i dont care about your human problems

CA: youre all doomed to extinction anywwaay

CA: tell me more about this dress thing though wwhy is there a celebration over committin to a matesprit

CA: givvin them a ring i can understand

CA: but unless youre fuckin royalty like me wwho fuckin cares

OD: That's the thing - no one really cares.

OD: People only go to weddings for - 1.) The cake 2.) Potential Hook Ups with Desperare Bridesmaids 3.) Gossip

CA: so its a political affair

CA: this i could get into

OD: Yeah! I guess it is!

OD: Okay so I told you this cool shit, now you tell me cool shit - what's up with Hope Powers?

CA: oh so youre the hope player

OD: Yeah.

CA: givve up noww youll nevver be competant enough to handle it

OD: AY! You don't knoww that!

CA: wwhy does she wwear a dress

OD: God, why are you so obsessed with the dress? I mean I get theyre awesome and all - and I totally understand the appeal - but theres more to Weddings than the Dress, bro.

OD: Don't become one of them.

CA: one a wwho

OD: the bridesmaids

OD: They're usually all jealous and hate the Bride.

CA: i think i follow

CA: the brides the one whos committin to her matesprit right

OD: Yeah, she's the one in the dress.

CA: oh so its like an indicator

CA: a big fuckin spotlight

OD: That sounds about right. It's even funnier when theyre fat.

CA: so you commit to your matesprit, buy them jewwelry, throww a big fuckin party and invvite evveryone you hate platonically to showw off, get them all jealous, and then wwhat

OD: If I tell you, will you show me how to use my Hope Powers?

CA: shore

OD: Okay. So once you're done with the Wedding and you say your Vows and the Dumbass Boring Priest says you're married, you have a huge fucking Party and eat everything ever and get fucking wasted off your Ass. This is the Time you try to hook up with one of the Bridesmaids, if you're a Human, that is. I don't know how Trolls would do this.

CA: wwhats a priest

OD: Trolls don't have Religion?

CA: religion

CA: you mean like the subjuggulators and their clown cult

OD: How the fuck would I know?

OD: But yeah its all basically cults.

OD: A guy from a Cult tells you you're married because some people are into that shit, and it somehow makes it official that you're destined for each other and 'till death do you part' and whatnot.

OD: Some people rather go non-cult and get some random person from some random place, like their Sex Counsilor or something, and go Rogue. Its all stupid.

CA: oh look now all the guests are chuckin things at them

OD: Yeah they do that because theyre pissed.

CA: this is too good to be true

CA: also that ‘speak noww or forever hold your peace’ bit

CA: is that wwwhen you vacilitatin blackrom partner tries to stop you from cementin your red quadrant

OD: Shit, what’s Vacilitating?

CA: sometimes troll relationships get so complex that they swwitch back and forth betwween red and black and sometimes multiple parties are involved

CA: it wworks out wwhen its timed right and you stick to a schedule

CA: like wwhen you go black wwith your red he goes red wwith his black

CA: that wway theres no cross contamination

CA: you should ask kar about it since its more complicated than wwhat your human thinkpan is probably capable of graspin and he has more patience than i do

CA: only the most experienced trolls wwith immesurable amounts of practice and stamina can wwithstand all the strifes and raw emotion involved

OD: You sure talk about Karkat a lot, are you in a quadrant with him or something?

CA: wwhy don't you shovve your probin nub in your stretched out human wwasteshoot

OD: Woah, hit a sore spot apparently. My bad. I’m sure he likes you back.

CA: noww you've got one shot at convvincin me not to fuckin shovve it there myself

CA: go

OD: Okay - you should get a Load of ROYAL Weddings now THOSE are FULL of Jealous Fucks and Money like you wouldn’t BELIEVE. They chuck MONEY at them at the end and theyre already FILTHY FUCKING RICH.

CA: im royal

CA: id havve a royal wweddin

CA: I bet they don't ruin their outfits by shovvin fuckin cake in those wweddins

CA: wwhats the point a that evven

OD: People from Jersey are into that, those weddings are always trashy and nasty.

CA: shore sea-ms like it

OD: Yeah despite writing their own vows and stuff they usually end up divorced in two months anyway. Fucking scum of the earth, they can’t STANT not to be fucking everyone and everything.

OD: Theyre hornballs though, I can’t wait to bring it out of my kismesis one day.

CA: hornballs

OD: Horny? Is that a thing? I know you guys have LITERAL horns – do you do shit with them?

CA: im not goin to answer that

CA: this sounds absolutely fuckin priceless and its refined details are clearly wwasted on a species who cant appreciate it

CA: royal weddins sound evven better

OD: Then message ITR, he knows ALL About them.

CA: i wwill

OD: Alright, so you got your info.

OD: Now give me the lowdown on Hope Powers.

OD: Or at LEAST tell me the Troll Gossip on who’s in who’s Quads. It’s boring as fuck over here, all we have is Gregory and Christophe’s shit and I already know ALL about that.

CA: alright since youvve been so patient and youre so insistent on learnin all about my personal business

CA: ill givve you a personal demonstration a my hope powers

OD: Really?

CA: yes

CA: ready

OD: Hell yeah!

CA: wwell then hold onto your floppy pink human bulge because this is gonna get wwicked

OD: Uh okay? Now w



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Eric T. Cartman

April 2014

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